Rejection Blues

I pick up my violin for a few minutes of obligatory practice--the strings are out of tune, and I flinch, just as I did a while earlier today, glancing at the last page of the novel I thought was in great shape. "Nora's pink mouth opened..." What was I thinking? Her mouth was pink? Maybe her lips--but her mouth? And why would I even mention lips being pink? Out of tune. No wonder I'm getting rejected. Add to to-do list: Reread and revise "Roll Call by the Elephants."

I have the Rejection Blues. I worked feverishly for the last few months revising "Bestfriend," polishing it yet one more time, this time adding excerpts from letters J. wrote me. In less than a week, a mere "No thank you" email hits my inbox.

I read in "The Writer" magazine about writers half my age whose publication credits are in the double- and triple-digits. Why do I even try? It makes me feel even worse, remembering my own long-ago back-to-back publications, being a high school and college "star." Am I just fooling myself, lulling myself with past laurels? Has my talent decreased with the years?

Of course, I get too hung up on age, hating society's bias but internalizing it all the same. I had an epiphany about age the other day, though, while writing in a Starbuck's in Roscoe Village--I remembered that I had indeed lived in Roscoe Village for a couple of years in my twenties, although the area wasn't quite as trendy. But those were hardly happy years, working at nothing jobs and obsessing over hollow romantic relationships, with hardly the nurturing circle of family and friends I now have. Sure, I'd like to be young again--but I sure wouldn't want to relive my own youth. And if any skills do decrease with age--if they do--well, isn't that balanced by the gifts of experience?

In any event, talent doesn't matter--all that matters is that I'm a writer, and writers write. And hope always does surge up again despite rejection. I can tune those violin strings; I can enter the world of "Roll Call by the Elephants" once more and picture my characters again. And maybe someday I'll post a celebratory entry!